I can’t really be alone. I know that for sure.
I don’t write anymore. I’m probably not making time for it. Not putting in any effort. Right now I just want to be a better person. Have a better perspective on life. Help someone every chance I get and grow spiritually. It’s so easy to get caught up in every day life and the trends in society. You don’t even realize that your heart starts to treasure the wrong things. Things that are temporary and that make us selfish. I was taught never forget to help someone. But often we only want to help ourselves. Realizing what is really important and seeing the world through His eyes really makes a difference. We know our own mess and downfalls but God loves us despite that. Why wouldn’t you want to be better?
It’s been the longest while, sitting looking as time goes by. Simply doing nothing. Lost in space with no plans or direction. Tick tock I can hear the clock. I can never make it stop. I’m unable to keep up. Thinking. Time is faster than you think.
March 30, 2016. Cecelia Bowen
It’s a sad day when you have to ask someone if they love you. Even when their answer is yes it makes no difference. Abandoned by the man who should have loved you without depth. Funny how you can tell someone how much you love them yet in the same breath only talk about everything that’s wrong with them. Why I have come to you with such burden. I have come to find it somewhere else. Knowing that my expectations will never be met. You are not the man who needs to fill the gap. I cannot love you as much as you love me. That breaks you. So broken we shall be. But you did not break me. I was already broken when we met.
I must rely on me to make myself happy. For if I seek happiness from someone else, when they leave I will become unhappy. Yet it seems I’m happiest when it involves someone else. Too easily affected by the changes of another human being. I let their happiness change me. Is it really being selfish to do what I please. Most time a heart gets broken when someone leaves. Of course I may be sad. But what I really need is to not be so depend on someone to make me gleam. Believe in myself and know that true happiness starts from within. For when I do I will share this joy and no longer be a happiness seeking freak. It’s about time to open my eyes and see that everything I want is inside of me.
I don’t have those dreams anymore. Where I’m swinging through tree tops. Trying to get away from the monster that’s chasing me. I’ve never seen it’s face. From branch to branch I race.
More afraid of what’s behind me. To even realize that surfing these trees is an even more dangerous place.
At the beginning of this chase I jumped and look where it landed me. If I missed a limb I’d probably die. I was never sure I could jump this high. So maybe, just maybe I won’t die. It’s only a dream, so is it possible that I can fly? That chance I won’t take. Even though I was feeling brave.
I looked behind me to see my own face. This was no chase. My alter ego and I were in a race. Dream on. When day breaks who would awake?
My fat ass needs to know how to move faster than that.
I’m running around like a solider.
Constantly looking over my shoulder.
The only food they leave out for me is cheese. Such a stereotype.
“Thank God I’m lactose intolerant.”
They must think I’m ignorant.
I learnt my lesson the first time.
Let them try they’ll never catch me.
I’m bringing in the big guns.
All my cousins and my aunt from England.
Building an army we have to be strong.
I know this place like the ABC song.
It’s gonna be a wild infestation.
You’ve got to be faster than that.
I’m pretty lucky these giants are dead asleep.
Formation team it’s time to eat.
Head for the cupboards and let’s have a feast.
Don’t be the typical rat that goes for the cheese.
Your asses will be trapped.
When that metal bar snaps.
Nights end, some dead and others well fed.
The army that remains retires to bed.
Oh my gosh I dnt know if this is what happens in the minds of rats.
Written Oct 10,2015 Cecelia Bowen
Some days you don’t laugh as hard as you use to. Your smile disappears which is really unusual. The clouds are black and your cold inside. These days your heart aches.
No measure to your sadness. A constant frown stains your face. It’s a real struggle to keep up the pace. Yet your thoughts seem to be having a race.
An emptiness so big it weighs you down.
You think your smiling but people only see a frown. The good days forgotten. Those memories rotten, as you dwell on your constant state of melancholy.
Everything around breaks you. Your struggles face you. All you want is a break through. Do you have these days too? Yes, these days your heart aches you.
Written Oct 1.2015 by Cecelia Bowen
As she is laying on my chest, I thought about the day we first met. I’m not a shy guy I know what I want and I go after it. She wasn’t the typical kind of girl, I could tell. My instinct told me to stay away, she was gorgeous and I walked right over anyway. I thought we would just have fun, a few good dates then I’ll move on.
I had my fun but instead of walking away I decided to stay. I often tremble from her touch. I must have been falling in love because I didn’t want to let her go. This girl had a very strong hold.
Everything seemed all too perfect. We were never meant to be. As she is laying on my chest I could feel goodbye’s crippling effect. I knew she felt it too but in our hearts we didn’t want to let go. We never had the guts to hurt each other. Yet we both knew we were never meant to be together.
As I pretended to sleep to avoid having any heart to heart conversation “it’s over” she said. I opened my eyes to let her know I heard what she said but she dashed to the bathroom and I rolled out of bed.
I started packing my bag with all intention to leave. Too often I’ve done this, that this time it all seemed like déjà vu. I was sure this time I would leave because I knew she wanted out too. But as I heard the bathroom door open I hid my bag under the bed and asked her if she wanted to go out for dinner. I pretended like nothing happened but in that moment while I was packing my bag with the intention of leaving I was my truest self.
Written Sept 29, 2015 by Cecelia Bowen
This is his version read the previous post for her version.
I let down my guard and on your chest I rest. As I’m listening to your heart’s pounding effect I reminisced on the day we met.
Beautiful eyes and well dressed, you seemed shy but peaked my interest. Maybe that was your intent. You walked right over and stood beside me. I was enthralled by your scent.
They say the rest is history. You’ve got to tell me how you do what you do. How I still tingle every time we touch. Every time you say my name, I blush. Fate did not bring us together. This was all on us.
Everything up to this moment seemed all too perfect. We were never meant to be. I’m laying on your chest I could feel goodbye’s crippling effect. I knew you felt it too but in our hearts we didn’t want to let go. We never had the guts to hurt each other. Yet we both knew we were never meant to be together.
I raise my head to look at you. Its over was all I could say but you couldn’t hear me anyway. I watched you sleep, because I didn’t have the guts to leave you all alone.
As soon as you began to wake I dashed to the bathroom to have one of my frequent cry break. If only you knew that I wanted out too, I wouldn’t have to say my true feelings only when your sleeping. As I was laying on your chest, in that moment I was my truest self.
My truest self (her version) Going to do one for (his version).
Written Sept 22.2015 Cecelia Bowen